The Scrooge in the House
Have you noticed that, starting on Black Friday (or, let’s be honest, even a week or two before then), your wife* loses some of her usual good humor? Is she more tired than usual, more prone to snapping? If you were a braver person, would you possibly even describe her as “grouchy”? (Not to her face, obviously.)
If you’ve ever wondered why this person you love doesn’t seem to “have the holiday spirit” and doesn’t want to “live in the moment” or “embrace the fun,” I’ve prepared a brief questionnaire that might help you figure out why.
*Although I refer here to “wife,” this questionnaire is equally applicable to mothers, partners, girlfriends, significant others, and anyone else who shoulders the primary burden of holiday preparations at your house.
1. If your workplace celebrates the holidays with a “Yankee swap” or Secret Santa or other mandatory gift-exchange “fun,” do you handle the whole thing yourself by identifying a gift, buying that gift, wrapping it, and remembering to bring it to work on the appointed day?
If the answer to any portion of this question is no, you can skip the rest of the questionnaire. Frankly, I don’t even know why you’ve read this far. It goes without saying that, to the extent your wife has to think of a potential gift for someone she’s probably never even met (since this is YOUR workplace), purchase and/or wrap that gift, or (god forbid) hand you the gift bag on your way out the door on the day of the big event because you would otherwise forget it, she has good reason to be grouchy. You are one of those reasons. Your wife has no need to keep track of the date for your office celebration, let alone have any involvement in procuring the mandatory, gender-neutral gift within some pre-determined price limit. Don’t even ask her what to get. Unless you are in one of those modern relationships where you often handle the preparations for your wife’s obligatory work celebration (and the one year she was sick in bed with the flu until the day before the party doesn’t count), do it yourself. All of it.
2. Same question as #1, except as applied to a boss giving gifts to their assistant or any of the many other people who help make their life function.
Same response as #1.
Do I need to go on? No, no, I do not. Just as it would be very, very wrong to ask your assistant to select, purchase and wrap an appropriate present for your wife, you should not rope your wife into the gift-giving process for your team. If you are capable enough to be the boss, you are capable enough to figure this out by yourself.
3. If you travel during the holiday season, do you pick the location, purchase any tickets, book the hotel or Airbnb, plan the itinerary, make sure your clothes are all clean or back from the dry cleaner in time to pack, figure out where the Air Tags or passports went after your last trip, get cash, or arrange for a ride to the airport or care for your children and/or pets at home (as applicable)?
Unless you do at least one of these tasks, you don’t need me to tell you why your wife is in a bad mood. Sure, it’s nice that she “gets” to go on a trip during the holidays. Even so, your wife is entitled to be a little annoyed by your lack of involvement in any of the trip prep.
Please note that this response assumes you are at least packing for yourself. To be honest, if your wife is ALSO packing your suitcase and you’re still wondering why she has turned into Scrooge, you likely have bigger problems than a simple questionnaire can help resolve. And I have no idea why she agreed to the trip at all.
4. If you have children, do you know the following: the exact dates of their winter break, the dates and times for any holiday-related celebrations at their schools, and the requirements for the aforesaid holiday-related celebrations (baked goods or other food items/costumes or clothing, including specified colors/musical instruments/glitter)?
I’m not even asking if you’re on the contact list for your kids’ school or the text chat created by the class parents. (Although, c’mon. Why aren’t you?) I’m keeping the bar low and not expecting you to know what gifts are planned for the kids’ teachers and/or other school staff. But if your wife is the only one making arrangements for the ten days that the kids will be off from school as well as her own work and the holiday celebration for the entire extended family, you’re lucky she’s not constantly hyperventilating into a paper bag instead of snapping a little when you ask for another cup of coffee.
5. To the extent that none of the questions above seem to apply to your situation, I’ve prepared a short “lightning round.” Even if you “helped” do the tree or decorate the outside of your house, do you know any of the following?
Where the tape and scissors are located?
Whether all the tape was used up last year and if you have enough wrapping paper?
What day your package of gifts must be shipped in order to get to your sister’s house sometime before the New Year?
What “you” are getting your mother this year?
Where you are taking the kids to see Santa?
Unless you can answer yes to at least one of these questions, you already know why your wife has lost her holiday mojo. These are just a sampling of the multitude of tiny, irritating—endless—details that occupy her mind from December 1 until this joyous season is over.
I saw something going around social media recently about women and their Christmas stockings. Their empty Christmas stockings. Because the wife/mother/girlfriend/sister/aunt/person in charge of the holidays made sure everyone else’s stocking had a little something in it, even just a favorite candy bar, but no one made sure they got anything. So, if you ever wonder why your wife doesn’t welcome the holidays like you do, consider the literal and figurative stockings in your house. And who’s filling them up.